I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
