Your tits are I can't wait for
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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