His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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