Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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