So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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