i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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