I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Watching her eat just hurts me
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize