Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
