i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
