i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
