I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
