i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize