I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
