there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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