i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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