Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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