Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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