I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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