she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
