I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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