The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
