went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
