I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
