I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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