life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
