I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
