I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
