Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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