Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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