Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
