take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize