Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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