party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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