I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
