Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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