69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
