I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Life is so much better after having sex.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
