My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
