i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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