Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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