Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
