...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i love accidental penises.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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