I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
