You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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