i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
