you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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