How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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