That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
