around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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