A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
