i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
