the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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