Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
