haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
