Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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