The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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