do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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