I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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