are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
