you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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