All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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