Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
